One of the immensely satisfying aspects of leading a group of over-talented writers, with sporadic amounts of productivity and motivation, is the constant surprise in reading through their output. It can swing wildly between witty wordplays jousting across the page through to insightful explorations of their emotional tumult – when all I asked for was coverage of an event. So you can imagine my trepidation upon assigning several of my writers the task of reviewing the various toilets throughout Chateau Neuf.
I asked them to write a short paragraph each so that I could combine them together into a single article and feature it as a sort of joke piece. Alas, so disparate and lengthy were the results that the only way I could think of combining them was in a self-referential meta-review of their articles. Below are some snippets I’ve picked out from each but make sure to give each full text a thorough read as well.
The first toilet review I’ll look at was by Rein Amundsen and what was unique about his piece was that he wrote it without ever actually visiting the toilet in question.
For de av oss som mener at håndtørkeren, brølende og med en begrenset funksjon, er et symbol på vestlig stormannsgalskap, og heller foretrekker det autentiske, nyanserte og ærlige, finnes toalettene i Betong.
The next brave writer to contribute his verse to the powerful play was André, with what was actually quite an on-point and concise review of the BokCaféen bathroom.
Ikke bare er den jokeren blant sine konkurrenter, ved å være så innmari vanskelig å legge merke til, men BC-toalettet er også så mye bedre enn de andre på alle mulige måter. Rommet er stort og godt opplyst, med farger og flislegging som tyder på at noen brydde seg i overkant mye om utformingen av akkurat denne spesialtilpassede doen.
Third amongst the list of porcelain heroes, Eirik opted for an angle of authenticity. This involved taking his laptop and channeling his euphoric experience from cheek to screen, as it happened. It’s a level of commitment that can only be given, not asked for.
Utstyret er mildt sagt spartansk, det er ingen dobørste å spore, og noen har skrudd ut låsen. Dermed blir mitt eneste forsvar mot uønskede gjester å spenne det ene benet mot døra mens jeg gjør mitt fornødne, noe som gjør besøket langt mindre behagelig enn det ellers kunne vært.
Last, but by no metric least, was Øystein’s epic in the style of George R R Martin’s Game of Thrones. At this point, it’s difficult to be anything but impressed. I mean, it had satire, political intrigue, and best of all, one comes away feeling like you really get a hands-on experience with the toilet’s history, tangible and otherwise.
Alle hårene på kroppen hans strittet med ett som pelsen på en katt. Han visste hva slags skapning som med lange skritt i samme retning, nærmet seg faretruende. Det var Formanden. Formand Tveten, skulle heve sin rettmessige plass på tronen. Den sagnomsuste lederen av riket DNS hadde jo forrang, helt klart, men naturens kall var nå så utrolig sterkt hos vår protagonist.